When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. - Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Steven Wright
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat. - George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. - George Carlin
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - George Carlin
The only good thing about free advice is that the price is right.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. - George Carlin
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. - George Carlin
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. - Douglas Adams
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. - George Carlin
The only disability in life is a bad attitude. -Scott Hamilton
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. - George Carlin
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