We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce. - Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
I had amnesia once or twice. - Steven Wright
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin
Children who could be seen and not heard have been replaced by those who can be heard even when they're out of sight.
I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business. - Bette Davis, The Lonely Life, 1962
China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. - Charles De Gaulle, Former French President
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. - Lao Tsu
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! - Steven Wright
A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem. - Albert Einstein
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem - George Carlin
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