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We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce. - Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

I had amnesia once or twice. - Steven Wright

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin

Children who could be seen and not heard have been replaced by those who can be heard even when they're out of sight.

I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn't dare to make an enemy should get out of the business. - Bette Davis, The Lonely Life, 1962

China is a big country with a lot of chinese people living there. - Charles De Gaulle, Former French President

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. - Lao Tsu

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! - Steven Wright

A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem. - Albert Einstein

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. - George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. - George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem - George Carlin

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