When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" - Steven Wright
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months". "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. - George Carlin
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. - George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. - George Carlin
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him - Michael, 14 Advice from Kids
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. - George Carlin
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't encounter many rivals. - Georg Lichtenberg
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. - Keppel Enderbery
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car". - George Carlin
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? - George Carlin
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. - George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. - George Carlin
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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