When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him - Michael, 14 Advice from Kids
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat. - George Carlin
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes. - Anon
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - George Carlin
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. - George Carlin
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. - George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. - George Carlin
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! - Billy Connolly
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. - Gary Busey
Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change. - Confucius
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- Steven Wright
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. - Ann Landers
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." - Steven Wright
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